A mother's heartbreak

Six weeks after losing her husband Sept. 11,
their second son was born

By Karen Jowers
Times Staff Writer

As Nancy Taylor endured the physical pain of childbirth Oct. 25, 2001, at Bethesda Naval Medical Center, Md., she also struggled with powerful emotions and memories.

Just six weeks earlier, her husband, Army Lt. Col. Kip Taylor, was killed in the Sept. 11 attack on the Pentagon.

"It was hard," Taylor said. "I had been there at Bethesda less than two years before, when I had Dean. I kept recalling what it was like when Kip was there."

Kip's sister and sister-in-law were with her during the delivery, which was a comfort. But still, "It didn't seem right that Kip wasn't there," she said. "It was horrible."

The approaching anniversary of the attacks has been an emotional time. She often thinks about what she, Kip and Dean were doing a year ago, including a trip to the beach a few weeks before Sept. 11.

When she looks at Dean, who turns 3 on Dec. 28, she sees his resemblance to Kip. Baby Luke, who just started crawling, looks more like her.

"The kids are my saving grace," she said. "They keep me busy. It's not that I don't think of Kip every day, because I do."

Kip Taylor was the military assistant to the Army deputy chief of staff for personnel, Lt. Gen. Timothy Maude, who also was killed in the attack.

Taylor decided the best way to honor her husband's memory was to help military families like hers who need fertility treatments to conceive. Both her boys were conceived through in vitro fertilization at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington.

She has established a fund to help military couples with travel and lodging expenses while they receive fertility treatments at Walter Reed or at Wilford Hall Medical Center in Texas. The Web address is http://www.kiptaylorfund.com

The fund has paid the expenses for five couples so far, she said. At least one of the five has been successful in getting pregnant.

The Kip Taylor Memorial Fund covers some expenses for ROTC students at Northern Michigan University in Marquette, which Kip attended on ROTC and basketball scholarships.

Taylor collects letters, pictures and other memorabilia from generals, drill sergeants and others who worked with Kip and from schoolchildren who wrote to her after Sept. 11.

She has been overwhelmed by the generosity of those who wrote and sent gifts, many of them strangers. She has tried to respond to everyone.

She points to a picture of President Bush embracing her Sept. 17 at the Pentagon as he toured the rubble.

It was a chance encounter - she was there only to pick up Kip's car from the parking lot. As her escort officer walked her through the building, Bush, who was there for a memorial service that had just concluded, appeared in the hallway with his large security entourage.

"We were told to move to the side of the hallway," Taylor said. "Everyone lined up started applauding, and he stopped and began shaking hands."

Taylor approached, holding a picture of her husband that she was carrying, and told Bush that Kip had been at the Pentagon on Sept. 11 and was still missing.

Bush talked to Taylor for "a good two minutes," then embraced her and urged her to take good care of herself and her baby.

Now, almost a year later, she finds that the biggest changes in her life are "the littlest things."

"Kip's absence is constantly evident," she said. "It's so different, not having him here to call and talk to during the day. Not seeing him in the house, not hearing his voice is just a huge void. It's an unspeakable loss."

It has changed her perception of time. "I think time passes quickly when you have something to look forward to. Not that I don't have something to look forward to, but I guess my life is just not normal," she said.

"Having no contact with Kip for a year, I feel like I haven't talked to him in years."

Looking ahead, she focuses on her boys and their view of their father. She talks to her children about him often, showing them his picture. "I hope they think about their dad in a happy, positive way, and not let the sadness overcome his memory," she said. "I'm trying to overcome that myself. At night, we pray for daddy, mommy and the whole family."

In the first year of Dean's life, she put together a time capsule for him that includes audiotapes with messages from Kip and other family members. She hasn't listened to Kip's tape.

When he was recording it, he asked, "You're not going to listen to this, are you?" she said.

She knows he would want his children to be aware of how much he loved them: "He wanted them to be happy and have a good life."

Now she's gathering items for a time capsule for Luke. But that effort is moving slowly.

"I find it hard to ask people," she said. "There has been so much sadness in the family."

That sadness lingers. These days, Taylor can think of Kip and find herself smiling. "But more times, I'm crying."

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